


Touch of a Memory

by TamiHaru



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Death, F/M, M/M, Original Character Death(s), past!Ereri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 17:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3736990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamiHaru/pseuds/TamiHaru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every person has a different way to get over certain situations.</p>
<p>Some happen to find it after four years of struggling with the loss.</p>
<p>Some people need just each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch of a Memory

 

 

_“I’m sorry Levi. I’m sorry for not fulfilling my promise to always stay with you.”_

_“Brat, love, this mess isn’t your fault! No, don’t close your eyes! You’re going to make it, you’re not dying in this shithole! No!”_

_“Levi, I’m sorry, I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

_I viciously tried to scrub my tears away, but they were always replaced with new ones. The brat in front of me didn’t even cry himself, just smiled that brave smile of his._

_“Levi, if I don’t survive this time, I want you to take care of my only family.”_

_“You mean Mikasa?”_

_“Yeah. Levi, she lost her parents, she lost her adopted parents and she had thought many times that she lost me too. I don’t know how she would handle this so, please take care of her. She and Armin are the only ones I have left beside you.”_

_“I promise.”_

_“Thank you.” I felt how my heart broke into millions of pieces when I saw the light flicker off from his strikingly beautiful eyes. His breathing grew weaker and I started to feel the coldness of the winter and snow seep into my body and soul deeper and deeper. Bit by bit I started to realize that Eren is not going to survive this._

_“I love you Levi.” Eren whispered making me cry even harder._

_“I love you too, so, so much.”_

_I kissed Eren’s pale and cold lips for the last time. After that he closed his eyes with a certain calmness._

_I was not ready to admit that Eren had died now, so I searched for some signs of life._

_And I found it. His heart was still beating, weakly but steadily._

_Maybe he will survive after all? No, there was too much blood coloring the white snow with bright red hue._

_Gently I hunched over Eren and started to sing his favorite lullaby._   
  


_ Die Stühle liegen sehr eng _

_ Wir reden die ganze Nacht lang _

_ Dieser niedrige Raum ist nicht schlecht _

_ Wir können uns gut verstehen _

__

_I ever so gently rocked him in my lap while murmuring the lyrics softly to his ear. I would never sound that beautiful as Eren did while singing this song. But this lullaby calmed me down._

__

_ So ist es immer, unser Licht ist nur das _

_ Trinken und singen wir, begrüßen morgen _

_ So ist es immer, unterm riesigen Himmel _

_ Leben wir zusammen, die Nacht ist lang _

__

_ Da die Sterne nicht leuchten _

_ Kann der Mond auf diese Stadt nicht scheinen _

_ Schauten wir das Licht selbst an _

_ Singen wir unterm Sternenhimmel _

__

_The soft breeze was the only sound in the white world after my song, which had ended with my voice breaking apart. I didn’t see anything behind my tears, and the voices of my squad trying to get me moving sounded like they were coming through a stone wall._

_This was the day when Levi Ackerman shut the world completely from himself._

 

 

_~*~*~*~*~*~*_

 

It was the same dream again. Well, memory precisely.

It had happened over four years ago, but still I remembered it like yesterday. Dreaming about gruesome things was one of the many things veterans had to suffer after retiring from the never ending war against the beasts. Well, that’s the thing they say in those slimy and dirty pubs in this district.

After Eren died, I made sure that I was the one who told Mikasa the news. I did not know what to expect, but it wasn’t something as fiery as that.

She had attacked me, blaming me for not saving Eren. She used so low blows on me, but they didn’t get to me. She shouted, screamed, threatened me with her swords, even made a long scar that went over my left eye and down my cheek.

I did not answer her. I didn’t think she was right with her threats, nor did I never think that hitting her back was honorable. It had ended with her storming away after I took away her 3D-maneuver gear. She was not in her right mind, and I was afraid that she would try to hurt herself because of this.

Eren would never forgive me if something like that happened to Mikasa.

Later that same day, she had come back to me and apologized for her behavior. I had accepted it with a curt nod and had made her promise to try not to hurt herself again. I knew I had done something how Eren would have wanted.

Both of us continued our service in the military for few years, until I messed up one day. It happened on an expedition where I made a crave mistake, which resulted in some soldier’s deaths because of it.

I don’t know how I made it back inside the Walls, but my mistake made Commander Erwin Smith to put me at bay. I was not allowed to take part of Scouting Legion’s missions before Erwin was sure that I was mentally stable enough.

Which pissed me off at first, because the missions I took part in were my only distraction I had. Without them I would spiral into despair and possibly destroy myself.

I said that to Erwin and Hanji, but they didn’t listen.

“It’s for your best, Levi.”

Ah, you can shove those talks there where even the sun doesn’t shine.

My new distraction turned out to be books. Hanji had given me few books about the outside world known as taboo for the remaining humanity. Where did they get the books, I don’t want to know.

I was now reading my favorite one of the forbidden books when I heard the door to my dark library open.

“Corporal?” was the silent answer from the doorway.

Ah, I forgot to mention that I got myself a visitor few weeks ago, and she was not the one I was expecting.

Mikasa, Eren’s raven haired sister had followed me few months after my “vacation”. I was kind of relieved for the company, but Mikasa haven’t yet revealed her reason why she’s here in the first place.

“Yeah? It’s late, you should be sleeping now.”

“You should too, you know.”

Ah, did Mikasa learn that skill for disobeying me all the time from Eren himself?

“I’m not sleepy.”

“Me neither.”

I stared at her over my book. She glared back at me with those onyx eyes. Looked like she was wearing only the grey robe she borrowed from me. After few minutes of silent staring competition, I growled.

“Tch. If you don’t have anything to say, stop wasting my time.” I growled and resumed back for my book.

I heard shuffling and something soft falling down on the floor. I glanced quickly on the doorway again, and was slightly surprised.

The grey robe was now pooled on Mikasa’s feet, and she stood on the doorway completely naked. I had my modesty, so I did not ogle her body, but strictly kept my gaze on her eyes. I sought some kind of explanation from her face, but found none.

“Corporal, I want you to touch me. You’re Eren’s lover and the only thing I see what’s left of him.” came the silent but steady explanation, before I had the change to open my mouth.

Her words made me speechless. I don’t know how to respond to that!

So we stared, again. I had long forgotten the book in my hand, and I just stared at her. In this fairly dim room I did not see everything, but still, her body looked flawless. She was so young, so she didn’t have scars in her body. Only small ones, but aside those she was untouched. She had a soldier’s body, but still she had that feminine grace I adored. Her ivory skin got a lightly redder color because of the candles I had on the table.

I looked away from her when the true meaning of her words hit me.

“Mikasa, just how much did you care about you brother?” I whispered.

“He was my only family left, and then he too was taken away from me. I just miss him, I feel so lonely without him, and I’m ready to do anything that he would be closer to me.”

Mikasa was desperate, I heard it from her voice and saw it in her eyes.

“Please, make me forget this empty void in me.”

I sighed and put the book down on the table. I stood up from the armchair and made my way towards her. Each step I took, I could see the slight tremble of her lower lip. Was the girl really sure she knew what she was asking exactly? Because if I wasn’t someone who didn’t appreciate beauty, she would be ravished.

I touched her shoulder, and felt the slight shiver.

“Foolish girl, do you really know what you’re asking from me?” I whispered with a hard edge in my voice. Had I been someone else… Only the thought made me already shiver. The girl stayed silent.

“No.” I said sternly. I waited for her reaction while I picked up her fallen robe from the floor.

“W-what?” she had whispered, and she looked furious and confused.

Without any words I wrapped the robe around her.

“I’m not the only thing what’s left from Eren, Mikasa.”

“But, I have nothing!”

“Yes you have. You have exactly same things that I have, if not more.”

She stared at me and was not convinced.

“We have memories, and they are even stronger than any material or physical thing we could have.”

She stared at me and did nothing, and it scared me. How she would react?

I was left waiting for the upcoming storm, but instead of it I got rain. Ever so slowly the tears of misery and sadness dwelled in her eyes and made their way down her ivory cheeks. She was crying, and it looked like she finally let out the feelings she had bottled up inside of her all these years.

I’m not good at comforting people, but I had to do something.

I remember those moments I saw by accident. I remember how Eren calmed her down with gentle kisses and touches of a brother.

At first I gently caressed her cheek, wiping some of the tears away. Then I kissed her forehead and cheeks.

“Remember how Eren used to comfort you like this?”

My whisper made the rest of her barriers crumble down. She lowered her head against my neck and wrapped her arms around me.

And cried, soaking my white shirt with her tears.

I pressed few light kisses on her raven hair while rubbing soothing circles on her back.

 

_ Chairs so close and room so small _

_ You and I talk all the night long _

_ Meagre this space but serves us so well _

_ We comrades have stories to tell _

__

_ And it's always like that in the evening time _

_ We drink and we sing when our fighting is done _

_ And it's always so we live under the burnt clouds _

_ Ease our burden, long is the night _

__

I sang the same lullaby that Eren had taught to me. Mikasa’s tears grew heavier, so I think he had sang this to her too.

__

_ Just as no stars can be seen _

_ We are stars and we'll beam on our town _

_ We must all gather as one _

_ Sing with hope and the fear will be gone _

 

After the lullaby, we stood there for a moment, no hurry to break away from this soothing warmth. Just like before, the song soothed my aching heart so much.

 

 

“How can you survive this numbing loneliness?” Mikasa whispered with a broken voice. Her cries had calmed down a little.

“It’s the memories that help me, but remember that I would be with the corps right now if I could take the loss better. It hurts, but I know Eren would not want us to weep in misery for the rest of our days.” I answered.

“Thank you.” she whispered again and pulled away from my embrace. She looked like she was back to her former self, and the same determination Eren had lit up in her eyes. The robe has slipped over her shoulder a little, so I put it back gently.

“It’s nothing, cadet.”

“And sorry about that scar, sir.”

“It’s nothing, but remember to treasure your body. It’s beautiful and it’s yours, so keep it pure.”

I wanted her to understand that even if she was as strong as she’s now, she could still get hurt by worthless pigs who know nothing about integrity.

She nodded and pulled the robe tighter around her.

“Thank you.”

_She reminded me so much about him._

 

 

~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

The next day Mikasa rode back to the Scouting Legion’s headquarters, and I was left again to spend my early retirement alone.

While sipping my black tea, I realized that Mikasa was not the only one who needed those words said and those touches done. I felt different, much calmer and dare to say, happier?

I will never be happy again, but this feeling is bearable. I’m not complete, but a little closer to it.

I wanted so badly to return to the corps, but I knew Erwin would make me go back if I even tried to go there.

 

“Levii my lovely midget!” was the loud voice that woke me up a week later.

“Fucking shitty glasses…” I groaned with a raspy morning voice. They had woken me with their irritating and loud yelling.

“Leviiiiii I missed you!” they screamed and jumped on top of me stealing the air from my lungs.

“Ah, stop jumping on me!” I shouted and threw the cover from me. Hanji dropped on the floor with it while giggling like a maniac.

“Ahahahahahahah!”

 

After I had my morning tea and had recovered from my uncomfortable wake-up, we were sitting around my little dining table. Hanji hadn’t touched their tea yet, and was just staring at me across the table. It was creepy, because they was silent.

They was never silent.

“The fuck you’re staring at?” I growled behind my polished tea cup.

“Erwin sent me to make sure you’re alright.”

“I assumed that already.”

“And I was commanded to make sure you’re okay to come back to the Scouting Legion if possible.”

That made me listen to them more closely. I had a feeling there’s more to it though.

“So?”

Please let me come back. I’ll turn crazy in here!

“Tell me, what happened here? You’re a lot different than last time I visited.” they said with a tone I could not read. I don’t know what Hanji thought about my change. Was it even good or bad? They knew me, so it was no use to lie to them.

“A friend visited me and sought comfort. I gave what the friend wanted, but I also noticed that I had been needing that same comfort too.”

Hanji looked like they wanted to know who the “friend of mine” exactly was, but I won’t tell.

They settled with that, and I was awarded with a bright smile of theirs.

“Okay! Levi, welcome back.”

 

 

~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

Now I’m back, and ready to discipline the brats who couldn’t even clean properly.

Mikasa and I continued working together like nothing had happened back then, and we did some progress. She continued being one of the best soldiers we had, and I continued carrying my heavy burden of “Humanity’s Strongest”.

No one knew, and no one had to ever know that two of the strongest soldiers needed comfort once in a while. When no one looked, we revealed our true feelings in front of each other.

No one was permitted to know that we too were humans. Mikasa and I had to play strong and emotionless because it made the other soldiers withstand the losses and hard situations better.

The act was for the best.

As for the lullaby I sang back then, I never sang it again. It reminded me about two of my closest friends and comrades back in the underground, and my passed lover and soldiers. The song had an important meaning to me, and I will not share it again.

But I will never forget the words of it.

**Author's Note:**

> UM...
> 
> So, did Mikasa and Levi fall in love? Tell me.
> 
> The song used in this is the Choice with no Regrets OVA's OST: So ist es Immer c:
> 
> I have grown to adore RivaMika~
> 
> Posted before December 2014 in DeviantArt~
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> ~Tami


End file.
